I believe in Patriarchy, and around our house I’m the boss. I mean, no one else in the house can even touch the clicker for I am The Master of the Clicker, and nothing says patriarchy more than that! Of course it’s pretty much just me and my wife now, so that’s easy. But even when it was the wife and three kids, nobody challenged me. I’m being facetious, kind of. The clicker is a metaphor for patriarchy, for the husband and the dad being the head of the household. Back in the day I would head to Blockbuster (remember those) and get a movie for the family. If it was terrible, the family would ridicule me, but if it was great, it was just a great movie. I made the call, so I could take the heat. Another metaphor for patriarchy is driving the car. Since our very first date until today, my wife has only driven the car a few times when I’m in it, and that on very long overnight trips when I was dog tired and she had to drive. For me, that’s another metaphor for Patriarchy, for being the protector of my family. I remember many times driving with the family in the car thinking, their lives are in my hands; I’m responsible to keep them safe.
Much of this comes down to personality types. It’s obvious when you meet people how different they can be. One person is outgoing, the life of the party and won’t shut up. Another is taciturn and reluctant to speak, while another is always moving and looking to get something done. Another will talk about the details of something until you fall asleep standing up. Our awareness of these types goes back to the ancient Greeks who wanted to know why this was, and they believed they had the answer which shaped their understanding of medicine, philosophy and psychology. This concept, known as the four humours, was developed by Hippocrates (460-370 BC), and then over time the four temperaments by Galen (129-216 AD). As I describe them, think about yourself and those you know and you’ll see how accurately they apply.
- Choleric (yellow bile) – Type A, hard charging, goal oriented, seeks accomplishment.
- Melancholic (black bile) – Thoughtful, inward, detail oriented, engineer or artistic type.
- Phlegmatic (phlegm) – Calm, laidback, nothing seems to bother them.
- Sanguine (blood) – Outgoing, life of the party, loves to talk.
Everyone is some combination, but one normally dominates.
My wife and I first learned about these in the early 90s through a book by Florence Littauer called, Personality Plus. It was a life changer. I used to think people were the way they were just to annoy me, and I am easily annoyed, but it was a revelation to learn they were just born that way. Go figure. And at 90 percent choleric, being annoyed is part of the deal for me. Initially I thought this was a way to put people in a box, but I realized it helped me to related to people who are not like me. And yes, those who are like me annoy me as well.
What has all this to do with patriarchy? It so happens a lot. The Biblical ideal for male leadership in the home comes easier to some than others, which includes not just the husband and wife, but the children as well. If you look at the personality types, it’s easy to see how leadership would come easier to men with a Choleric personality, while the choleric wife would have a more difficult time following or being submissive. Being primarily choleric, God in his providence gave me a wife who is sanguine and phlegmatic, so the patriarchy works easier in such a relationship, even if it is never easy. Over the decades in almost every relationship I’ve come across, the husband and wife have totally different personalities and each has its own unique challenges. Those who marry someone with a similar type have challenges as well. You can imagine what those might be with two strong willed choleric types, or where the wife is the choleric and the husband a phlegmatic. Leadership does not come naturally to the phlegmatic any more than submission does to the choleric.
The issue is awareness of how our personalities influence how we interact with others, and for our purposes in the family. The most important awareness is our sin. In our very first session with our premarital counselor, who happened to be Tim Keller because we met at Westminster Seminary in Philadelphia, said something we never forgot because we’re reminded of it every day: “The only sinner bigger than the one you’re marrying is you.” The only way any relationship works, and most especially a marriage, is if the cross is at its center. Love, the I Corinthians 13 type of love, is only possible by daily taking up our cross and following Jesus. We are Christians and that defines everything about us because as Jesus said, the entire Bible, the entirety of God’s revelation to man, comes down to love, loving God and our neighbors as ourselves.
The Bible Model of Marriage and Family
Because of the rise of feminism in the 19th century, and its coming to complete dominance in the 20th, the Christian ideal of husband and wife has been diluted beyond recognition. I imagine secular people, and even some Christians, reading the title of the post and being triggered by the words protector and provider. You mean, I can hear them thinking, a woman can’t protect and provide for herself? How insulting! Actually, a woman can do both of those things, but that’s not the ideal, not what they were created to be or do. The created order of things, the telos of purpose of creation, is what the secular have a problem with, the way things should and ought to be, is not what they want them to be.
You can see this play out in the Old Testament starting with the creation of man, male and female God created them. They were a team, but man came first and woman from man. God said it was not good for man to be alone, so he created a “suitable helper” for him. The word suitable in Hebrew is interesting. In context it means a part opposite, as in these two things fit. We can see this profoundly in the biology of man and woman, and in the sexual act how perfectly they fit. But the partnership is not one of equals. I can hear the blood boiling of those who have a feminist or egalitarian bent as they read that sentence. What do you mean men and women are not equal? What I do not mean is equality in the matter of ontology. Men and women made in God’s image gives them an equality in their being, in their value. Remember when God made man, male and female he created them.
What makes male and female different is what makes them unequal in authority, strength, stature, and responsibility. Women are not equal in these specific ways. This is why the man is the primary provider, protector, and priest of the home. It doesn’t mean the wife doesn’t contribute to these, only that she isn’t to take the leadership. I once heard someone say related to the home, anything with two heads is a freak. Sometimes disobedience in the home comes from the husband, sometimes the wife, sometimes both.
For example, you may be in a marriage where the husband is a solid, naturally born leader, and he longs to be the the Protector, Provider, and Priest, but the wife rebels against his direction. This could be because she’s been infected by feminism and sees it as demeaning, or maybe he’s just not very good at it. Or you may have a marriage where the husband is not stepping up as a Provider and Priest, and the wife is longing for him to be that for their family. That can create a lot of tension and conflict. There are a variety of ways this works out, and an infinite number of issues that can contribute to the challenges, but it’s much easier in psychology to find the cure than diagnose the reason for the problem.
So, let’s look at the Scriptural norm for husband and wife relationships. Patriarchy is assumed throughout the Old Testament as the natural state of affairs, both in the family and the state. Men lead and take responsibility. In the New Testament we get specific teaching so there is no doubt that Patriarchy is the biblical model of marriage and family. Here are four passages directly dealing with marriage and family. I can’t do a deep exegesis of these in a blog post, or even quote them fully, but they will make the point.
Ephesians 5
In this passage Paul uses the “S word,” which became a bad word in the age of feminism; it isn’t. It’s a biblical word.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
That’s as all-encompassing as it gets, but that’s only half of the story. He calls husbands to the ultimate sacrifice for their wives:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Both husband and wife live unto the Lord, but in a clearly defined relationship toward each other. The husband must never be abusive, but he must also not be passive. Not assuming the leadership role is as problematic as abusing it. Even as the husband loves the wife as Christ would, she must respect him as she would Christ. The marriage relationship must be in every sense, Christ-centered.
I Timothy 3
In this passage Paul is giving instructions to the men who would be overseers of bishops. He must be faithful to his wife and able to manage his children and household well. You can see each of the three P’s laid out here, and if done well this man is worthy to lead in the church as well.
Titus 1
Paul gives similar instructions here to the men who would lead the church as he did to Timothy. They must lead their family’s well, and that includes children who are well behaved.
I Peter 3
Pater also uses the “S word,” but the rub here is that the husband is not a Christian. The submission of the wife is not qualified by the faith of the husband. Yet he calls husbands to be considerate with their wives “as the weaker partner,” but both as heirs “of the gracious gift of life.” He says something in this passage about women having an inner beauty, then says something that will likely offend most modern women:
5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.
For modern people the “O word” is probably more offensive than the S word,” but there it is.
I Timothy 5:8
Speaking of the husband’s role as provider, Paul adds later in Timothy:
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
The husband’s role as provider is huge for the psychological and emotional well-being of the family. I’ll briefly address the three P’s to finish the post.
Living out The Foundations of Patriarchy
The well-being of the home is almost entirely dependent on the man. It’s the burden of leadership in a God ordained reality. Every organization derives its health and prosperity from its leader, including the family. Outside of the family, men almost always make the best leaders, even while there are rare exceptions. Those are not welcome words in an age of feminism, but they are the truth—Patriarchy is the nature of things. Let’s look at that in the family.
Protector – Biology tells us in a dangerous and uncertain world men must protect their families. That is primarily their responsibility, but of course the family will pitch in when necessary. Imagine Little House on the Prairie, 1970s version. It’s clear Michael Landon is the man and responsible for keeping his family safe.
Provider – This is probably the most contentious of the roles in an age of feminism. Girls are taught from a young age and indoctrinated into a career mindset as they get older. Few parents teach their daughters that aspiring to be a wife and mother should be their greatest aspiration. A career is fine as long as it never takes priority over her role as a mother. This, of course, has very much to do with the man’s stepping up to make sure his wife has that option because the family is not dependent on her income. The most difficult scenario is when the wife makes more money than the husband, and the husband is ok with that. He should not be. Depending on his wife’s income is a dereliction of his duty as a husband, and women have a hard time respecting such men.
Priest – The spiritual leader of the home is the husband and father. If he’s not a Christian, the wife has to take that role, but if he is, there is no excuse for him not taking the lead. What this means in practice will vary by household and the husband’s and father’s gifts, but faith is as much caught as taught. I was not a great spiritual leader when it came to family devotions and reading and praying with the kids, but I was always passionate about teaching them that Christianity is true. That was a constant theme of my comments, lectures, and teaching. Missing church was never an option, but we didn’t expect the church to raise our kids spiritually.
However any of this works out in any family, everything works better, more smoothly, when there is no doubt who the leader of the family is. If the husband abdicates his role, for whatever reason, dysfunction and suffering will follow. Don’t let that happen in your marriage or family, and you will be blessed.
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